Back from the abyss

I woke up Tuesday in a funk. I was tired and flat. Try as I might, I could not locate my “get up and go”. And, I believed 2 separate things;

1. that I was o.k./everything was o.k.
2. nothing was o.k./would ever be o.k.

HA HA HA!
I find it fascinating that I can simultaneously believe two opposing thoughts. So these two beliefs duked it out for the rest of the day and I was left on the side lines, watching. Well, this is what it felt like anyhow. The reason I have 2 oposing beliefs is in part due to all the self-growth practices I have in my life that are stirring up some deeply held (and out-dated) beliefs. But, also because of this Reggie Ray quote a friend shared with me a few years ago.  

            "You have a choice in life: You can either strive to be perfect or you can strive to be whole. If you strive to be whole, you have to surrender to your process. You have to surrender to the seasons of your psyche. You have to realize that allowing yourself to be depressed, tired and totally uninspired is the ultimate trust in the universe.”  

I was attempting to have ultimate trust in the universe, and friction was being caused by the part of me that still believes this is silly and impossible.

Wednesday. I woke up, still in a funk. Great, here we go again. So I spent the day watching my two beliefs play mental tennis.
Last night in meditation, this question popped into my head: “How long do I let this go on?” The answer that arose was “You’ll know when to step in, you’ll know what to do cuz it’ll just feel right. This is the trust part of the quote dear.”

So I woke up this morning feeling groggy because apparently my 2 beliefs continued to battle in my subconscious via the dream realm; However, something felt different. It is hard to put into words but I felt like I didn’t need to be in the abyss anymore (and that I had the ability to get out of it too). So I trusted. And I got up. Drank my tea in silence. And then I gave myself a nudge forward and got on with my day.

So another opportunity to give over. Another opportunity to surrender to what is.
I will end this musing first, with questions that I posed in another musing about surrender.
(see Surrender 12/27/2018).

• If something is here, right now, and you cannot do anything to change it, can you allow it to be?
• Can you see or feel precious energy being used up as you resist what is?
• Can you see/feel the excess mental and physical tension being created and held as you hold
  onto what isn’t? 

And second: I turned each of the lines of the Reggie Ray quote into questions:

• Do you want to be perfect or you do you want to be whole? 
• If you choose to be whole, can you surrender to your process?
• Can you surrender to the seasons of your psyche? 
• Can you allow yourself to be depressed, tired and totally uninspired?
• Can you trust that this is the ultimate trust in the universe?

Hugs hugs!
:)